Category Archives: My Diary
After 6 days of constant battle with sickness, today our calf lost his life. He died a painful death at our house. Like always, My mother was the only one to wake me up with bad news. I went to him. He was lying with his moist eyes open and toungue out. My mother told me how he floundered out of pain. I touched him but he did not turn his head to me like he used to do. His mother was still eating. May be she was unaware of this harsh truth. My father, brother and I, put his body on the bike and went to bury it.
A few hundred meters away from the house, we dig his grave. I said “goodbye” to him in my thoughts and threw the soil on his stomach. We buried his memories and came back to home. His mother looked at us like she want to say something. For a moment, I forgot that they can’t speak like us or may be we are too unlucky too understand them.
Its been hours, but she is still looking for him. She is feeling lonely. Everytime somebody opens the gate, she wishes that his son will enter. She tries to search him through the nearest window. She is tied to a wooden pole but still roam around to get a glance of his son. I don’t know what she is thinking. I just know that she is in pain. You can feel it by looking at her eyes.
Sometimes I wonder, Why can’t we just live forever? Why can’t we keep our loved ones with us forever..? I know, someday it will happen to me too but I don’t believe it that it will really happen. I don’t know if he is at a better place or not. If there is any afterlife or a complete darkness. I just wish, wherever he are..He don’t forget the moments we shared. I hope, he know that somebody misses him. I just hope….
Mai Zindagi bhar ye sochta raha ki wo log pataa nahi kaise hote hai Jo apne gharwalo ko chhod dete hai..Jo bhul jaate hai unke diye pyaar ko, aur alag rehne lag jaate hai…Main toh kabhi nahi karunga aisa..Hum toh humesha saath rahenge, Chahe kuch bhi ho…
Par zindagi apki har ek soch badal deti hain. Jaise jaise aap bade hote hai, Aapke saath aisi ghatnaye ghategi ki aap sochne pe majboor ho jayenge..Tab apko sirf ek hi raasta nazar aayega, “Apne maa baap, apne bhai behan se door ho jana….”
Aap samajh jayenge ki Zindagi ke samandar me shaanti ke liye apko apni puraani kasti chhod, ek nayi kasti dhundhni hogi. Ek naye sire se zindagi jeeni hogi..Apno ko bhulna padega..Jinke bina raha nahi jata unke bina rehna seekhna hoga…Saayad yahi niyam hai, Sayad yahi kismat hain.
“You have to let go, the things you love the most…”
Jo apke maa baap ke sath hua, ek din aapke saath bhi hoga. Sayad tab ap samajh paye uss waqt unki paristhitiya kaisi thi.
Ye Zindagi apko har pal sikha rahi hai..Har lamhe, har haadsha apke ateet se juda hua ek panna hai.. Ap un haadsho pe kya react karte hai wahi apki kismat tay karega…
” No matter how much status you may have at work or in school, you don’t have more status than that jaw-dropping woman who’s dressed to kill and turning every head as she glides through the club. No one does. Not the rockstar. Not the billionaire.” A line from Rules of the game by Neil Strauss. A line that engraved in my heart.
There is a beautiful girl in our town. The only girl whose skin is so flawless. Whose lips look like red wine. When she walks, every single head turns to get a glance of her. Every woman hates her, because their husbands are staring at her. The type of woman, we used to call, “HD edition” or in pick up artist term, “HB 11”. But in India we don’t have those so called pick up artists. Few kids who have read that book and want to learn to get these girls or Naturals who always get them.
My wife hates me when I tell her that I want to be a pick up artist. I want to get every girl I meet or see. She always get upset because she thinks that she is not a good wife, a man can truly love and can’t think of anybody else. Its not correct. I know because she is a very nice person and I love her. But then I ask myself, “If I really love her then why I want those girls, Why I want to be a pickup artist? Sometimes my mind says, “We are men and we are born with it”. We undress every woman in our imagination to see how beautiful she looks from inside. We have mind sex with female friends, our neighbour’s daughter or even our friend’s sister”. Yes, many men or I should say only few men will really confess that they think about their friend’s sister. Even if they talk about, how wrong it is in reality. But the truth is we don’t have much control on our mind when it comes to sex.
But having sex is not only the reason. There is much bigger reason than this is “Status”. Yes, we want to get every other girl is because it increases a male reputation in the society. I know many will raise their eyebrows and start to collect their theories and argive about it. But for a minute, just for a minute, Remove your judging perspective and think about it. Aren’t the society really think this as a status symbol.
Men worship man who can get girls. They want the same. They want to befriend him, they want to be his student so that they can get the same results.
Even women are no different. They are attracted to the guy who is surround by girls. It seduce them. They want to be with that guy. They want to know why others girls are flattered about him. What’s so special about him.
One day, I asked my wife, “What if god give you a choice of choosing over two guys in a room. The first guy who is simple and innocent and second guy is simple but have lots of girl with him. Whom she wants? The answer was the second guy. She was right. Every one of us will choose him because he has the social proof of having something interesting. A man attracts more women when he is around with other women.
But these thoughts give rise to another question that always haunts me. When we all are guilty of it. We all think about other women then why don’t we accept it. Why we teach our kids that it is a bad thing. Why every one of us want to do this but judge others when someone else do it.
Then I realized, “We teach our kids the things we wanted to do but couldn’t. We want them to be a honest man because we couldn’t”…
This is not a poem, These are not just lines. It may be few words for somebody. But for me Its my feelings…something that I am so attached to…To my village , To my friends, To my Life…its for you all…
Aaj bhi waha kuch nahi badla. Wo raaste waise hi hai, wo galiyan utni hi tanha hai. Log aaj bhi apne kaam me usi tarah masgool hai jaisa mai chhod kar gaya tha.
Chidiyo ka chahchahana wahi hai, bulbul ka gaana wahi hai. Baarish ki bundo ko bhi pehchanta hun, Bas khud ko nahi..
Mitti ki wo mehak yuhi barkaraar hai, wo Kadmo ke nishaan wahi hai. Unse judi yaade Jehan me hai, bas hai nahi, toh mera wajood, Jo ab sabse juda hai..
Mere jaan ke baad bhi Chaand utna hi tez chamakta hai, hawaaye aaj bhi dil me tapish liye firti hai. Jugnu aaj bhi roshni sath kar bhi, raasta bhatak jaate hai…
Chulhe ki raakh, aaj bhi shamaa ke intezaar me hai. Kone me padi charpayi aaj bhi kisi ko aagosh me lene ko tayyar nazar aati hai.
Wo chhoti chhoti galiya, jinpar kabhi taktaki lagaye baithe rehte the, unpar ab Musafir aate toh hai. Par uske aane ki aas nahi..
Kheto ki pagdandi par ab apni railgaadi nahi dauda karti. Wo purani tubewell hamara badan bhigoya nahi karti. Kinaro pe lage ped aaj bhi Jawaa hai. Maano unhe kisi ki nazar lagaa nahi karti…
Chaupaal aaj bhi Bujurgo se bhari rehti hai. Aaj bhi yaha koi baazi jeet raha hota hai. To koi baazi khone ke darr se chilla raha hota hai.
Wo ghutne pe chalne waale bacche daudne lage hai. Cycle walo ko bhi picche chhodne lage hai. Kal tak Kaliyaan thi jo, ab phool ban chuki hai. Muhalle me naye naye ladko ke chakkar lagne lage hai….
Waqt kitni tezi se badal raha hai. Kal tak in raasto par chalta tha main, Aaj mera jism kisi aur raah par chal raha hai…
Sochta tha mere jaane ke baad kya hoga. Par ab mehsoos hota hai ki maano kisi ko meri parwaah hi nahi. Par mera dil samjhta hai. Samjhata hai ki Zindagi kabhi kisi ke liye nahi rukti. Log aate jaate rahenge. Zindagi ke rango me doob ke nahate rahenge. Mera kirdaar khatm hua, ab mujhe aage badhna hai…Bas ye yaado ke silsile satate rahenge….
Kisi din koi aayega, Jo iss Diary pe dhyan dega. Ultega panne aur iss kahani ko payega….Par uske liye ye mehaz kaali syahi se likhe kuch sabd honge. Dekhega, Faadega aur aag me jalaa dega.
Aur iss tarah wo shaksh mujhe raakh me mila dega….
I am not practicing much. I am giving priority to my games and other work. I also bought a book, “Stop thinking and Start living by Richard Carlson.” It is a fantastic read. You should give it a try. I want to prepare myself for any govt. exam. But its not on top of list of things I want to do soon. I have earned 77+ dollars from my blog. But I have recieved only 7 till now. I dont know when Amazon will pay me. The book sales are better than the previous month but still ita not satisfactory. I am thinking to change the book cover and the description. Things are pretty bpring in my life now. But I am finding ways to live passionately. Lets see. Till then check out ny progress.
Hope you will like them:-) Take care and Buhbye…
I know this question does not relate to anyone. But its about a serious issue we are facing today.
There is an illegal wineshop near our home. Many hooligons come there to drink. They are always a trouble for the colony. They dont care about anyone. They drove their bikes fast, even if the kids are playing the street. They just dont care. Today one of our neighbour stopped one of them and told him to drive slow. But he start arguing with him. Then the wineshop owner(One of the hooligon) came and try to convince all the people there. Telling him not to argue. Everything seem ok. But after a few minutes, that hooligon called his other friends. They came and start yelling, “Now come out. we will see who will stop us”. We all got frieghtned. I opened our door and saw no one was outside in our street except them. They were using abusive words. Few of the people gathered and started enjoying the show. After few minutes they went away.
After half an hour, our neighbour( who stopped those hooligons) was standing near a shop and talking to some people of the colony. Those hooligons came again. I was not there. But my brother told me everthing. They start beating him. Everyone was looking at them but no one was stopping them. My father opened the gate and ran to stop them. But they also caught my father. My younger brother and mother also got into the fight to stop them. But they din’t stop. They hit a Beer bottle on his face. After beating cruely and breaking his nose. They left us and ran away on their bikes. Suddenly the whole colony was there. Everyone was just talking about the incident. Everyone one of them was saying that they should be in jail but no one wants to step out. Bo one wants to be a witness in the court.
My father and other neighbour went to the Police station but the police dont want to take a strict action. Their behaviour is so disgusting I cant tell. They are just there for compromise and bribe. Everything is so frustating.
I wonder what is happening. We all are taught to be a true man and to fight against bad. But no one is doing this. Police knew about that illegal wineshop from years but no actions are being taken. The whole colony know about this but no one want to step out against them. Everybody just talk from their behind. I know we all are scared. But by unity we can do anything.
People just complain. I dont know what will happen? I know these types of incident will happen again. But why are we teaching our kids those lessons about being brave, fight against evil, blah blah blah, when we also dont have the courage to fight back.
From many days, I haven’t posted any update. I am not drawing much. Because I was focusing marketing my book. My another blog page rank has decreased drastically. I dont know what happened. Today I tried drawing Elsa from Frozen. She is beautiful and sexy.
I am not coloring any of the drawings. Instead of that i am thinking to create an android game. But I am not able to create a character for it. I still have to learn alot about graphics design. As you can see in screeshots, there are lots of doodling in my drawing notebook. It was done my Moni. He completely filled it with color lines and awkward shapes. But he is a little child and learning. Hope he keep drawing all his life 🙂
From many days, I was busy and was not able to draw much and post my progress. Today i learnt the fundamental of cartooning from tutsplus. It is a great tutorial for a beginners. I decided to learn the female anatomy block by block approach. First i will learn to draw the head and its proportions and then will move to shoulders.
I think this approach will be better. I always download tutorials from deviantart but instead of trying them i let them stay in my phone for forever. I will do something about that too. I also need a self help book to boost my inner sparks. I am really feeling very low from many days. I am not working on my book also.
I was downloading videos about
inking and coloring in photoshop. I learnt the basics of Pen tool few days ago. I tried coloring by my own way. I know its still not effiecient now. I have to learn more about anatomy, color theory and shading techniques.
This is my second drawing. I hope i dont lose focus.
From past few months i was living life with such a low motivation. I wan not creating any game, i was not completing my book, i was just learning to draw. But all i was struck at drawing girls. But today I got a surprize when i opened my e-mail. It said, “You sold Game maker for beginners ebook”.
I feel like dying with happiness. I quickly opened my Gumroad account and it was true. My first customer is Mary A Bradley. I always thought nobody will buy it. I also left the idea of updating it. Because i have not completed a chapter. But these 4 dollars fanned those tiny sparks of motivation inside my heart. I worked on this book again after so long. I am damn happy today. I hope i feel the same way everyday. Thanks Mary for making my day.
One thing i understood, “There is no substitute of motivation coming from success only”.